did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
