Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
