Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
