wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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