Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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