Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
