you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
