Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
