grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
