I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
