she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I pour the whiskey from now on
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
