Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
