i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
