Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
