Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
