I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
