But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
