Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
