Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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