Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
