Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
