he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize