so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
