you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
