She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
