I will die if light touches me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
