I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
