you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
