I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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