I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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