i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
