Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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