ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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