everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
