My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
accomplished twins. life is a go
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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