Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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