Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize