there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
