the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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