final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
