It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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