can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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