I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
