jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
