you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
