it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
