how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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