i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
