What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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