is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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