Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
