Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh god it's open bar.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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