If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
