I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
