dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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