So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
