Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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