I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
