wakey wakey hands off snakey
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
