I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
