When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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