Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
