Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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