i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
