We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
