i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
