Will you blow on my dice?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
