someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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