PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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