i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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