I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
