i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
